Parenting without Punishment Campaign

Featured Article from Issue 2 of Positive Parenting Digest

Many years ago, way before I ventured into the field of parent education, my younger child once asked me,”Daddy, why do some parents hit their children?”  Honestly, I didn’t really have the answer.  How would I know?  I don’t hit our children. But I know from childhood experience that my mother was pretty upset when she caned me.   So, wanting to look knowledgeable, I made up an answer and explained that perhaps these parents were angry with their children.

I thought that would satisfy his curiosity, but I was wrong.  “So, is it okay to hit someone when you are angry?”, he further inquired.  Now, that made me felt like I was walking on a slippery slope.  Young children are very smart these days, and they don’t let you off the hook easily.  I decided to come clean and confessed, “To tell you the truth, I don’t really know why some parents hit their children.  But I do know that it is not alright to hit someone, regardless of whether you are angry or not.”  He seemed pleased, and that bought me some time to investigate further.

Over the years, I have become an avid student of a topic called ‘discipline.’   I have read scores of parenting literature on this subject, held countless discussions with parents, and consulted with several parenting experts.  I studied the findings from the multitude of research that social scientists have done on corporal punishment.  I interviewed advocates of corporal punishment (some of whom are deeply religious and highly educated individuals) to understand their point of view.  This article presents my key findings and conclusions.
 
Firstly, I discovered that all parents are driven by well-meaning intentions.  They seek to do what they think is of the best interests for their children, although some of their actions are hurtful.  The reasons that parents hit their children are many, but there are generally two categories of parents – those who reacted emotionally and those who acted with conscious deliberation. 

Hitting Children out of Anger

The first group of parents confessed that they hit their children out of anger or frustration.   In other words, they had lost control of themselves, and often felt remorseful subsequently.  They acknowledged that hitting children is inappropriate, especially when they witnessed the latter picking up aggressive behaviors after them.  They simply couldn’t help it when emotions run high. 
 
Emotional reactions almost always occur unconsciously, and most people have some difficulty managing their emotions.  Parents are no exception.  Some have learnt to cope by walking away when they are upset, only to return to their children when they have calmed down.  Others simply stopped when their children have grown too big to be hit without risking their physical retaliation.  A consistent observation from these parents is that they don’t justify their actions, for they certainly don’t feel good about hurting the children they love.
 
Hitting Children as a Form of Punishment

 The second group comprises practitioners and advocates of corporal punishment.  They come in different degrees of zealousness about the merits of being strict or harsh with children.   Some swore by it, citing that it works miraculously to get their children to behave desirably, especially after having exhausted other methods such as reasoning, bribing, threatening, and nagging.  Some voiced that the adverse effects of corporal punishment reported in research might be overrated, as either they or their children had turned out “fine.”  Many felt that children must not be allowed to ‘get away’ with their wrong doings unpunished for fear that the lack of consequences will encourage further misdeeds.  Some quote the Holy Bible and words of their religious leaders as the sources of authority, while others claimed that even parenting experts advocate the use of corporal punishment.
 
What do they have in common?  Unlike the first group, these parents had reasons for their actions.  They were able to justify the act of hurting children with explanations that are ‘valid’ at least from their unique perspectives.  Although most of them expressed that they felt somewhat ‘bad’ about hitting their children, they sincerely believed it was the ‘right’ thing to do. 
 
The Right Thing Isn’t Necessary Alright
 
Now, just ask any five-year-old if he or she thought whether hitting another person is alright, and the answer is obviously “No!”  How is it that grown-ups who are supposedly wiser and more experienced thought otherwise?  They know instinctively that hitting children is undesirable, yet they do it anyway.   The absurdity illustrated by the following words from Haim Ginott:

When a child hits a child, we call it aggression.
When a child hits an adult, we call it hostility.
When an adult hits an adult, we call it assault.
When an adult hits a child, we call it discipline.

What is it that the innocent young child sees that these adults don’t? Daniel Goleman (author of Emotional Intelligence) has an explanation.  In his book Vital Lies, Simple Truths: The Psychology of Self-Deception, Goleman attributes such phenomenon to what he termed a lacuna, meaning a ‘blind spot’ that escapes our field of attention or awareness.  He suggests that somewhere in the human mind lies a mechanism of self-deception that filters out the facts that we don’t want to know, without even us knowing.  
 
Beware of Blind Spots

And just as any driver would know, ignoring our blind spots is dangerous and predisposes us to possible disasters.  In parenting, the stakes could be too high to handle. Some people lose their children, while others struggle with daily conflicts that deprive them of the intrinsic joy that parenting was supposed to bring.
 
Now, if you fall into the second category of parents that I had described above, consider examining the possible blindspots by reading the 5 Common Misconceptions About Discipline and Punishment with an open mind, and form your judgment thereafter.  If you’re in the first category, you may wish to pick up Goleman’s bestseller Emotional Intelligence and hone your emotional management skills. 
 
Whichever category you fall into, let me invite you to support a nationwide movement to help parents to stop hurting children in the name of discipline, and start loving them through the practice of non-punitive discipline by making a PLEDGE TODAY!
 
[Contributed By Kenny Toh, Founder of Institute of Advanced Parentology]

Ready to do away with punishment?   What would you do alternatively?  Learn the principles and practices of Positive Discipline at the next intake of Positive Discipline in Action organised by the Institute of Advanced Parentology.

Meanwhile, listen to Dr. Jane Nelsen explain the 5 criteria for Positive Discipline …

One of the most common rationalisations we hear about the use of corporal punishment on children is “I was spanked and I turn out OK.”   If this sounds familiar to you, listen to what some social scientist have to say in this video  (one said – it’s like a smoker saying “I have smoked all my life and I’m OK!”).  Enjoy!

Advocates of corporal punishment often differ in terms the conditions for which it should be applied.  Some believe that corporal punishment is acceptable so long as it is carried out calmly and accompanied by explanations (i.e. not out of anger).   Some reserve it for serious offences only (although what constitutes as ‘serious’ is often left to personal judgment), while others would not hold back from hitting their children even for the smallest misconduct.

One of the common conditions voiced by rational-sounding parents is to use corporal punishment only as the ‘last resort.’  In other words, hitting children is justifiable if one has exhausted ALL other means.  And other means often include reasoning, scolding, threatening, bribing, etc,.  Now, here is the danger …

Most of the time when one reaches the point of having to exercise the ‘last resort,’  one is tired, frustrated, exasperated, or possibly desperate from trying out various other methods that failed.  One loses his or her cool, and tend to punish one’s child out of a heightened emotional state such as anxiety or anger.    The result is clearly undesirable.

What if you replaced corporal punishment from being the ‘last resort’ to being a ‘non-option’?  In other words, there is no fall back.  When all the methods of discipline that you currently know don’t seem to work, you simply seek out new alternatives that you have not considered before.  

Now, giving up the ‘security’ from having a last option requires courage.  But often, we need to give up the old to experience the new.  Will you be courageous enough to open yourself to a new world of positive parenting experience that is free from the negative consequences of punishment?

Much has been written and debated about the use of corporal punishment on children.  Perhaps, the absurdity of  hitting a child in the name of  ‘discipline’ is best illustrated by the following words from the late Haim Ginott*:

When a child hits a child, we call it aggression.

When a child hits an adult, we call it hostility.

When an adult hits an adult, we call it assault.

When an adult hits a child, we call it discipline.

 

 

 

The word ‘discipline’ invariably evokes different ideas, emotions and reactions in different people.  It is perhaps a subject that attracts the most attention in the domain of parenting, as reflected in titles such as “Dare to Discipline,” “Positive Discipline,” “Discipline with Dignity,” and “Discipline with Love.”

While most parents would agree to the common goals of disciplining children such as to teach children self-control, to cultivate self-discipline, and to impart values, little consensus is observed in the methods or means for achieving these goals.  In short, many agree on the WHAT and WHY of child discipline, but not on the HOW.   And one of the major areas of controversy is the use of corporal punishment on children – a topic that continues to attract heated debates between its proponents and opponents in most countries throughout the world.

Rather than attempting to answer “To cane or not to cane?” this article invites you to transcend this perennial controversy by examining the notion of Non-Punitive Discipline – an approach for disciplining children that does not use any form of punishment.  In this context, punishment refers to any action by the parent in response to the child that is directed either at correcting the latter’s behavior or deterring future recurrence of certain behaviours by inflicting some form of pain or discomfort, be it physical, mental or emotional.  

The form of punishment may be physical or non-physical.  Common examples of physical punishment include caning, spanking and smacking.  Examples of non-physical punishment include scolding, deprivation or removal of privileges, withdrawal of love, and time-out that are punitive in nature.

Whatever your pre-existing ideas about discipline or stance on corporal punishment may be, I encourage you to put them aside temporarily, and seek to understand the nature and merits of Non-Punitive Discipline before making a judgment on whether it is worth practicing in your family.   Let’s begin this journey by examining the 5 common misconceptions about discipline and punishment.

Misconception #1: Discipline means punishment

In the minds of many, discipline is synonymous with punishment.    Hence, the notion of ‘non-punitive discipline’ is unfathomable.   To them, not punishing children means not disciplining them, and that is clearly undesirable.   Without discipline, children are likely to grow up to be spoilt, disrespectful, and even uncontrollable.  But in truth, punishment is not the same as discipline.

To better understand the meaning of discipline, perhaps one ought to turn to the various related root words.  In Latin, disciplina means “instruction”, discere means “to learn,” and discipulus means “disciple or pupil.”   As such, in the context of parenting, discipline could be more appropriately taken to mean “instructing children with the aim of helping them to learn,” somewhat like what a teacher does with his pupil.  The key questions we ought to answer then are “What should we teach our children?” and “How can we best help them learn?”

Conversely, to punish children is to make them ‘pay’ for their mistakes or experience the undesirable consequences of their actions, often with the intent of making them learn to be responsible for their actions or deter them from repeating certain behaviours.  Punishment almost always generates some form of negative emotions in both the parent and the child. It also tends to have an adverse effect on parent-child relationship.  Children who are punished often experience feelings of guilt, anger, or resentment.  Common sense would warn us that putting children in a negative state of being is not conducive for their learning, no matter what lesson we wish to impart to them. 

Hence, although punishment is perhaps one of the most widely observed response to children’s misbehaviours (thanks to our cultural tradition), it is not the same as discipline, and is seldom effective in fulfilling the goals of discipline.  Once the distinction between discipline and punishment is clear, perhaps the possibility for non-punitive discipline can become more real.

Misconception #2: No punishment equals permissiveness

“No punishment? But surely children must not be permitted to do whatever they want.”  That is one of the most common reactions to Non-Punitive Discipline.   It is ironic that discussions on child discipline often end up in a simplistic dichotomy between punishment (or strictness) and permissiveness. 

Permissiveness is commonly considered as undesirable.  But don’t confuse not punishing children with allowing them to do whatever they want without restraint.  There is no doubt that children need to learn to behave in a socially responsible and morally upright manner, but punishment isn’t the best way to facilitate their learning.  What they need is on-going parental guidance, and sometimes, limits, rather than punishment. 

Non-Punitive Discipline calls for a readiness on the parent to be both firm and kind.  Being firm entails asserting one’s rights in a respectful manner.  In being firm, we avoid allowing children to boss us around, to climb over our heads (figuratively) or to treat us disrespectfully.  But we need not be nasty in order to be firm.  We could be kind too.

Being kind doesn’t mean we have to allow children to act freely all the time, even to the extent of violating others’ rights.  That would be unkind to those who are adversely affected by our children’s disrespectful behaviours.   Although at times, we might need to intervene or respond when children misbehave, interventions need not necessarily be punitive.  For example, when young children get into a fight, we could have them physically separated and take time to cool down before they are allowed to play with one another again.  There is no need to embark on a lengthy investigation on “Who started it?” or “Who did what?”  Fault finding often leads to more hostility.

Does that mean fighting is permitted or encouraged? Absolutely not!  Not punishing children doesn’t mean doing nothing about it.  We need to guide them towards adopting behaviours that are more desirable or appropriate.  However, in teaching, timing is everything.  Reasoning with children when they are emotionally charged is often futile.  When the kids have cooled down, we could invite them to reflect on their actions and explore non-violent alternatives for settling their disputes. 

Misconception #3: Sparing the rod and spoil the child

“Spare the rod and spoil the child” is probably one of the most frequently quoted justifications for the use of corporal punishment.  Many have mistakenly believed it to be a biblical teaching and hence accept it readily without question.  Consequently, they turned to the rod for fear of spoiling their children.

In truth, the origin of the above phrase can be traced to a satirical poem by Samuel Butler, first published in 1662.  The notion of ‘spoiling’ the child is never mentioned in the Bible, although the phrase ‘spares the rod’ does appear in the book of Proverbs.  According to the New International Version of the Holy Bible, Proverbs 13:24 reads: 

“He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.”

What does the above verse mean? Unfortunately, the interpretation of biblical verses is often subject to one’s personal biases and degree of understanding of the scripture.  While some presume that the “rod” literally means a stick for hitting one’s child, others (particularly Christian scholars) suggest that it refers to the shepherd’s staff which was used to guide and protect the sheep, and not for hitting his flock.  For further reading, see What is the “rod” mentioned in Proverbs?

It is clearly beyond the scope of this article to address problems with interpreting the scripture.  What is important is that one rectifies the popular misconception that “spare the rod and spoil the child” is biblical in origin. 

Misconception #4: Punishment isn’t necessarily harmful

Our beliefs are inevitably shaped by our personal experiences.  Some of us believe that punishment (especially corporal punishment) is less harmful than reported in academic research.   “I turn out fine” is a common testimonial that reflects that point of view.  A minority are even grateful to their parents for being ‘strict’ on them during their childhood, as they observed how some of their peers whose parents are more lax on discipline had gone astray.  Conversely, there are those who vow not to subject their children to the harsh punishments they received from their parents. 

At the personal level, all views are necessarily valid.  However, it is dangerous to assume that what works for oneself will work for one’s child.  Our children are growing up in a drastically different environment than the ones we experienced during our childhood.  Corporal punishment was once a norm, be it at home or at school.  But that is not necessarily the same in present  day.

I recall being whipped by my loving mother for naively taking up her challenge to defy her order for me to stay at home.  I recall the disciplinary master roaming the school compound with his unforgiving cane.  I recall that public caning was once a regular feature during school assembly.   Today, students with behavioural issues are met with school counselors who are trained to understand and counsel them.   Rarely are they subjected to corporal punishment.  Evidently, educators are beginning to realise that what these kids need is guidance, help or counsel, and not punishment, especially when majority of behavioural problems in children can be attributed to their home environment.

Ironically, in many homes, the use of punishment continues to be pervasive, sometimes even for the smallest infractions such as not finishing homework on time or not putting away their toys.  Are these kids going to “grow up fine”?  Only time will tell.  But here’s one observation that most professionals who work with children with frequent display of aggression would agree – majority of them come from families that practice physical punishment.   It is an irrefutable fact that children learn from modeling after their parents.

Misconception #5: Punishment is an effective teaching tool

Does punishment work? Of course! Otherwise, it would have been abolished long ago.  But the questions we should examine are: “For what purpose?” and “At what cost?”

Research on the effects of corporal punishment has shown that it is effective for commanding immediate compliance.   An advocate of corporal punishment once shared with me that she had to resort to caning her three-year-old to teach her not to dash across the street recklessly.  It worked most expediently, compared to previous attempts through reasoning, warning, threatening, and nagging. 

However, can we be sure that the young child will do the same in the absence of her mother?  I doubt.  Perhaps, it might be wiser for the adult to take full responsibility of the toddler’s safety by keeping her supervised or in safe hands at all times, at least until she is mature enough to control her impulse. 

Punishment works on the basis of the Principle of Pain and Pleasure.  The explanation is simple.   All human beings are driven by the intrinsic desire to avoid pain and seek pleasure.   Tragic as it may sound, punishment works by inflicting pain on children.  Naturally, the fear of pain and the desire to avoid punishment is a powerful factor that drives compliance.  But, is this how we wish to treat our children – to control their behaviours by inflicting pain?

Punishment, together with reward, are two of the most widely used behavioural management tools featured in a branch of psychology called Behaviourism – a theory of learning based upon the idea that all behaviors are acquired through conditioning.  Desirable behaviours can be fostered through rewards (positive reinforcement) and undesirable behaviours can be discouraged through punishment (negative reinforcement).  Ironically, many are unaware of the fact that even B.F. Skinner, often known as the father of behaviourism, had recommended against the use of punishment or negative reinforcement in education.  Skinner also suggested that the main thing people learn from being punished is how to avoid punishment.

In truth, punishment is a powerful tool for conditioning, but not for teaching.  While we might succeed at conditioning young children to behave in ways that we desire (much like obedience training for canines), teaching children self-discipline requires a different approach that invokes their higher order thinking.

Conclusion

It is imperative for any parent who endeavours to master the fine art of disciplining children to clearly distinguish ‘punishment’ from ‘discipline.’   Examining the above common misconceptions is only the beginning.  I urge you to examine other ideas, beliefs and assumptions that you might hold about punishment and discipline by courageously asking yourself: “Is this really true?”, “How do I know that it is true?”, and “What are the perspectives of those who hold views that are opposite to mine?” 

May the spirit of inquiry bring you closer towards discovering and appreciating the true essence of effective discipline!

Contributed by Kenny Toh, Founder of Institute of Advanced Parentology. Contact author for permission to reprint.

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